I'm Praying For You, Boo...

My weekend was mad nuts and I still don't know what all of it was for. I blame Tiff for all of this (but then again, I thank you!). Had it not been for me watching Madison that day, I never would have had a reason to see him again. But I did, and I regret nothing, not even my relationship with him.
Came back from Johnson City and decided to work so I could pay ETSU their money and get back to the boonies for my education. I was getting sick so mommy wasn't feeling the idea…which is why I'm still here. The day I saw him, I was in Devin's basketball sweats. Hair was rough, I was rough, and it was just a rough ass day. When I got to the apartment complex, I saw Tiff coming to the car to get Madison. I had NEGATIVE intentions on staying. Car still loaded down with stuff from school…including noodles. He came outside and if memory serves me right, Tiff mentioned the noodles. I told them they could have them and they almost killed each other for them. I was invited inside and introduced to the few names that I'd heard Tiff tell me about while I was in hell. Her entertainment was my entertainment. Parlayed for a while and then I went to Courtney's to see her baby. Tiff and Chaz wanted to go to so they rode together and I went in Lucy solo. Got there, stayed awhile and talked. It was time for me to hit the old dusty trail back to Antioch. Tiff asked if I could watch Madison again. Our times were conflicting and he was asked to watch her while I was doing my thing, and I'd come to get here after that. We switched numbers…and that was where this began.
I think I texted him 1st because he gave me his number. He paid me a compliment that made me cheese because as I said, I looked like regular Tiffany on a regular day. Words were exchanged and I started to feel him…again. Keep in mind; he was my middle school boyfriend. I remembered this, he didn't.
I still remember the morning he texted me upset by something that the mother of his child had said to him. He was quite pissed off (as was I cause I believe it was well before 12. You fools know how I am about my sleep) and wanted to go to the park with us…another cool day. The comment that was made didn't set off any bells ALTHOUGH it should have.
My decision to want to be with him was quick and thought out. I knew I would come second to his son and am perfectly ok with that. The way he would talk about his ex, it was to my understanding that the chapter that he closed with her was closed, and wasn't open for re-opening anytime soon. I knew his pain all to well and surprisingly, I knew her pain, from what I was informed of her past. My anger, without realizing it, was still there, and in my opinion, his still lingered. She came over one day out the blue and they talked. I knew who she was from the way he described her…the stomach gave it away too. I spoke, she spoke but according to him, she doesn't remember that day.
Baby was born and I'd never seen him so happy. He texted me to let me know his son had finally arrived. He came back to the house and it was extremely early, but I didn't mind him gloating about his son. He showed me pics and described how long he is. I asked how mom was doing and he described that too. I must give it up to you guys, you are some good ones.
THIS…is where I get…confused.
Miscommunication in my household led to me staying at his house. I had every intention on leaving Monday afternoon, but he just made it so easy and comfortable to stay. People look at it like I've done a lot for him. I say I have but then I haven't. I bought him a car seat because he was going to pay $80 for one. Didn't see the need in it when I got his for $25, works all the same. Plus, it was my gift to him. Other than that, the money, time, and energy I've dished out to him is our business. And if you ask him, he didn't ever need my help. I choose to help him because I was staying with him. It's sort of an unspoken "you do for me and I'll do for you" kind of thing.
There was a point when he was going to her house to help her with their child. Who am I to deny a person to go see his son? Although uncomfortable with him taking my car to her residence, I did anyway. Didnt want to seem like big bitch, but whatever. I finally got to see his son in person when he called and said, "Come to my mom's house and see Ian." He was really quick with words which had me question what was really going on. When I got there, I got what was going on. His son is extremely handsome. He slept most of the time I was there, but he looked perfect doing so.
Weeks later came drama about me seeing him and that is when I made the decision to go home. If I am reason for you not being able to see your son or have personal one-on-one time with him, then things can be corrected so that you may do so. I begged my father to spend time with me when I was little, then I got a dad and I love that man to death for being to me what my father was not. There is no reason for that child to have to experience that. I wanted it to be known from day one that I wasn't a replacement to his son. When it came to him, I simply was another one of his dad's friends. It was almost time for me to move out then it happened. The incident still rocks my mind because had 50 not called and wanted to go out, I would have been there. It's funny because the way it was described to me, she walked through the door looking for me and what seemed like wanting to fight me based on a text she claimed to have found in his phone. Show me the text, I'll man up to it. Still don't think I've ever texted him about her because there was no need to. I didn't know her and she didn't know me, so further discussion on her is pointless, irrelevant, and a waste of time. Following the weeks after the incident, I started to look at my place. I became more argumentative with him because it frustrated me. Not my place, but the situation. Now that I think about it, some of those arguments could have been without. I even made it a point to send her a note asking, from her mouth (cause he say, she say is sooo retarded to me) what the issue was. Negative ass response and according to others, she got upset. It was a simple note just stating I really wasn't trying to have a problem with her and if she'd like to discuss anything than that could be done (I still have the note if you want to know word for word what was said). I was told to leave her alone because nothing was going to get through to her. This, is what I did.
She randomly would call my phone looking for him and I chose not to say anything because I was trying to be cordial. Now, I know that that wasn't the right thing to do because it is my phone, my minutes, and I was conforming to her. HUGE mistake on my behalf.
Saturday, I woke up and finished my book, I felt accomplished because it only took me a few days to finish it. I knew that day was going to be filled with drama, my gut rarely tells me wrong, and I hated that. I was out the door because it was my mommy's big 40th and I was going by the house. The calls started. It caught me off guard and then became funny to me. 50 was getting pissed at me because I wasn't retaliating. There was no need too. Stepping down…more like plunge down in years of your age to make whatever point you thought you were making is on you, I refuse to participate. I continued to laugh and the voicemail is what set my laughter in to an all out roar! It just amused me so much. I think because it reminded me of the honesty box crap I just got through dealing with months before. Again, don't really know what their beef was either, but they too, had me on a constant roar. I remember now, something about me having a smart mouth and blah, blah, blah. Whatever, I told them where I stayed at, NEGATIVE response. Anyway...I began to think, her issue really isn't with me. I've done nothing, said nothing, nor made any gestures that she should be upset with me in anyway. I don't do the Myspace/Facebook beefs, I'm too old. I don't argue, don't really have the health for it. I don't stay mad, I die too many times a week to worry about it. Instead, I try to make peace because I feel that is my job as a human from God.
Fighting is never an option unless you touch my family, touch me, or damage my property. It's not that I'm scared, this would make the 3rd time this YEAR somebody is threatened my life over something silly. I say, if killing me is going to make you feel better, do so. I haven't lived my life in vain, nor have I regretted anything I have or have not done. It's shaped me to be the person I am. I don't need to get back at anybody for anything because that's not my job, that His job. "Vengeance is mine" said the Lord…and I believe that with all my soul. What happened on Sat. has taught me a thing or two about myself, shown me that I am maturing like I wanted to less than a year after I declared that I wanted to, so all in all, I'm happy. I have no opinions about this young lady in particular because I assume she has enough about me. How and why would I have an opinion about somebody I've never had a real conversation with? What sense does that make and how does that benefit me in my life? I'm not dating her, so there is no need for me to have an opinion about her. I'm probably everything BUT the child of God, and that is fine. My friends have taught me a lot and for that, I've learned that everybody isn't going to like me, for whatever reason, and that is fine too. It's not like everybody is my best buddy.
Now it's Monday and I'm at work trying to cope with yet another death in my family. When I learned of the death, the drama doesn't seem to matter anymore. I'm not trying to live forever like Chaz, but I'm trying to enjoy my life because I know that when I wake up every morning, I didn't have to wake up. God didn't have to give me this, but he did and for that reason, I take it and enjoy it. I don't do things to hurt people intentionally, so I expect people to treat me with the same respect. I can be cordial to anybody, it's the way I was raised, but at the end of the day, people are going to try to test you. So how do you deal when your cards are delt??

Just Writing

So most of my thoughts come when I'm about to go to sleep. How convenient! Lately my mind has been focused on what move I'm going to make next. What is going to me my doings so that I may improve myself as a young, Black woman. I'm working on school and what not (I pray that everything is ok seeing how as I have 2 weeks until it starts). I just don't know what I want to do. My mind is not really at a lost...it's just sitting where it's at so there won't be too much more confusion. I feel like if my bank account were sitting on a tad bit more cushion, I'd have an idea of what's next, but that is not the case and I shall not dwell on it. I'm not finished with this, I'm just taking a break