I.m [Glad] I Lost....

I was willing to let go of all of this because I was scared.
Pour your heart out to somebody only to have them return it slightly shitted on is interesting.
But I was in the wrong.
I waited on him to [[fail]].
I waited on him to fuck up so I could say "I was right."
After playing the game for 8 months, I was programmed to believe it was a game.
And when we started out, it was a game.
I was going to move my pawn the same direction I been moving it.
But he made a move I have never seen before.
I.m stubborn.
I wasn.t about to let this jank know I was interested.
The "thug" in me wouldn.t allow it.
Yet he showed ME he was interested.
Interesting.
I let somebody in my world before and it cost me...a lot.
Still trying to figure out how this man captured my rook.
He.s smooth...and sneaky.
I.ll always remember what he told me.
It.s not so much of what but HOW he told me.
That was when my shell started to get softer
But my mind didn.t get dumber.
I waited and watched.
I knew his heart was still somewhere else.
Until he completed a never-finished match, we couldn.t proceed.
At this point, I.m continuing to wait on this to fail.
It didn.t.
Then he captured [his] queen.
[THIS] is my checkmate.
And the funny thing is....I don.t remember asking to play.

*shrugs* This is us.

[MY] Happy

My life isn.t made of diamonds [&&] pearls.
But you can.t tell me that.
I smile everyday.
Somebody forces me to do this.
I wake up daily with the understanding [&&] appreciation that I am blessed.
I traveled an interesting yet educational road to get to this place.
My pursuit of happiness I never knew I was on.
I.m thankful for everybody who has entered my life.
I.m more thankful those who have exited.
You all were the ones who MADE me grow.
No longer am I bitter.
Angry.
Frustrated.
Worried.
Sad.
I am happy.
I can only go up from here....

Back In The Day When I Was Young...

We SLICK look like we like each other.

I decided to take a quick stroll down memory lane. Fun shit. Hence why I love to take pics. A huge smile was placed on my face when I saw these.

-Sincerely, Dyf-

Throwback.....

My all-time favortie picture.

"You don.t know who I am although I stand before your eyes."

Statement still holds power to this day. I still feel as if I.m often misunderstood. Those who have taken the time to get to know me, get me. Those who choose to judge me are lost in their own assumptions. That.s not my problem. I remain to do me....

-Sincerely, Dyf-

OCTOBER! My Favy Month

I love this month. Not because it.s my birth month but because it.s BREAST CANCER AWARENESS MONTH!!!!!!!!!! What are you doing to support this movement? For more information on Breast Cancer and walks being held in your city, please visit http://www.koman.com/ .

My fellow East Alum DJ Tim showing his support for Breast Cancer Awareness! I Love it!!!!

Just Want to Have Fun

*Written July 2007*

Where do I begin?
It was 4 years after 10
I thought I was grown
And could do things on my own
I partied like a rock star
Cuz I thought it would get me so far
I never thought to plan ahead
Cuz being responsible was something I dread
I didn’t really understand what it could do
I just knew it was deadly and have you through.
So I was out on my usual Friday night
Having the usual “time of my life”
When this sexy dude walked in with his crew
I made my ass do what it do
And when our eyes finally met
I was sure I caught him in my net
We talked for about an hour
Then my stomach started to get a little sour
The last words I remember hearing clearly
“She doesn’t look so good, seriously”

??????????????????????????????????????????????????????

So here we are a three years later
And I asked Tyler to do me this favor.
Read this note at the burial site
Mommy, daddy, please don’t cry.
You see, nobody really knows what happened after that
But I’m pretty sure I can guarantee one fact.
I’m lying here todayBecause I “mysteriously” contracted AIDS
I woke up the day after the fun
Feeling shitty, and needing a gun
The pain my body sustained somehow
Only God knows why I kept saying “ow”
I pray for the soul that made me feel this way.
Lord knows I forgive you,
but it’s a price you will someday pay.

My Kick It Buddy

He.s like 2.5 now! O M G!!! "Nicah" is getting ssssooooo big on me. Somebody asked him how old he was and he said 5. My heart jumped! I.m not ready for you to be 5 yet kid!!!!




I love taking pics of him because I don.t wanna miss a beat. My own kids will get sick of this but I just don.t seem to care! TT loves her baby! I.m glad I got to spend time with his last Sunday, he really jumped off my week wit h his silly self.

I.ve Never LMAO So Much

Man. I don.t know if it.s me or these chicks out here but boy I tell ya, I get buckets of laughs daily. These Facebook "like" pages are the source of my giggles these days. The one that sent me into the "giggle of the week" was: "I see you.re dating my ex, how do I taste.

*Rolls eyes into throat*

SERIOUSLY??
Soo, never mind that your selfish, insecure, or childish ways was the reason you are WITHOUT him anymore. I guess we forgot about all the lies that were told and all the heartache you caused to drive your ex into another woman.s arms. What in the hell happened to taking defeat and moving on? Why must females resort to ridiculous ways in order to "make themselves feel better"? NEWS FLASH SMART GUYS: Being a complete and total BITCH isn.t going to get the man that you claim you love back. Keying cars, bleaching clothes, making empty threats only causes headaches for you and laughs for everybody else. I don.t know, maybe it is just me but I just don.t see the point in it. I.ve had to deal with females like this on more than one occasion and I.ve heard stories on 9 others. I just can.t wrap my head around what would drive someone to this madness. You lost! Take your L like a big kid, go dust yourself off, and try again....but with someone else! It.s kind of similar to being traded because Coach wasn.t happy with your performance any longer. So you got benched to see if you would improve with the team rules but you didn.t...so away you go.
So all the chicks liking that page knowing good and damn well YOU were the cause of YOUR unhappiness, here.s my response to it:
THANK YOU! Thank you for being the biggest bitch he.s ever had to deal with. If you did your job as a girlfriend, he.d be with you. Loving you. Caring for you. Supporting your dreams and aspirations. Your fuck up was my pick up and I tell you what...it was a swell move. So I speak for ALL women who have ever the privilege to take a heart-broken man and show him that it is possible to love, WE APPRECIATE YOUR SCREW UP!

-Sincerely, Dyf-

WHY?? Help Me Toddler Jesus To Understand.

SERIOUSLY?? I would say I have no words for this foolishness but most of you know this is a LIE! What in Jesus name was this child thinking?? Do these kids think that a baby is a cute accessory these days? "THERE.S A PERSON IN THERE!" I can.t wrap my peanut head around the idea of this. Who thought this was a bright idea? Poor child. When she gets older and sees this I feel she should be legally allowed to box both parties involved. This is madness. Actually, it.s insane and I.m just amazed at the FOOLISHNESS involved in this. Sad.

A Hardy Laugh

My New Favorite Song

Those who know me, KNOW I.m not a Gucci fan BUT I must give it to the guy, this is creative. As usual, the beat is sick AND I was shocked to know that one of my favorite hip hop artist is featured on this. Mr. Kweli did NOT disappoint me with his verse. It.s sick....

I Be Jammin

Now everybody is familiar with the power couple Will and Jada Pinkett-Smith but lately it seems to be their kids who are making the most noise. Trey and Jaden have taken the world in the palm of their hands with football and movies but little Willow has made a HUGE impact with this new song, "Whip My Hair"(found on playlist). How and why this very mature 9-year old is KILLING most of the chicks in the game with this one song blows my mind. The beat, the lyics...GENIUS! Shout out to the Roc Nation for grabbing this one. If managed right, she is about to hurt some feelings in the industry.

I Lovey Me Some Drake

Ran across this fabulous picture of my fantasy land boyfran. Sept. 20th edition of Jet. Guess I.ll be purchasing my 1st copy in EVER. Support. Love. Respect.

I Shat A Nation.

If you do not laugh at this, something is terribly wrong with you. I don.t even do youtube videos so finding this was a shot in the dark.

Top of the Dome

This is just how I.m feeling...

Where I am now is COMPLETELY unplanned.
This wasn.t my idea.
I.m convinced it was His.
I.ve cried more in the past 45 days then I.ve cried in my recovery to find myself.
But it was a different cry.
A cry from a place that I forgot exsisted.
Tears of joy.
Happiness.
Understanding.
I NEVER would have guessed I.d be here this soon.
But I am and I love it.
I.ve hid my feelings from myself in fear of them getting tarnished...again.
I stopped running.
I.m a little more mushy than I.ve EVER been in my life.
I.m ok with this.
I.m a LOT more open than I.ve ever thought I.d be.
But not to everybody, just some.
The past doesn.t run Dyferent anymore.
Tiffany does.
And both of them are in fact, happy.

-330

I just realized that it.s not meant for me to understand.

So ill never know if I truly loved you.

I must apologize to my soul for all the troubles I.ve caused her.

You deserved better that what I've recently put you through.

Now I finally see the light at the end of the tunnel and if our paths cross again,

I pray that it is all positive from here on out.

It.s past due that I free my soul of this hurt and hate, for nothing else will survive if I don't.

I believe I just defined my happiness.

Great example of a Happy Place. (Philadelphia! March 2010)

Decisions...Decisions.

I.ve made up my mind, I think.

I woke up one day and looked in the mirror and it took me a second to realize who I was.

Scary.

I didn.t see the Tiffany that I.ve come to know and protect.

I didn.t see the vibrant individual who loves to make people laugh.

The girl always has her hand out…to help.

I didn.t see me.

How do you shake that feeling?

How do you keep it pushing when your legs feel nonexistent and you are stuck where you stand?

How?

All I do is think.

It tends to drive me crazy but it is who I am.

A thinker.

Think about all that I need to accomplish.

Organize my goals.

When your thoughts are in disarray, your life is in disarray.

The lesson my mother has BEEN trying to drill in my head for ages.

I.m hard headed.

But I.m getting it now.

I had to dismiss some folks out of my world.

I feel you can.t walk on a new road with the same sights.

Shit will become all too familiar and the cycle will continue.

I.m working on breaking old habits.

*shakes head* Just pray for me on this one.

I.ve spent the past 2 years building Dyferent up to who she is I left TIFFANY behind.

No worries, Tiffany is catching up.

So I.m going to keep walking down THIS road.

Keep it filled with positivity, encouragement, and love.

That.s what I strive for in my life, why wouldn.t I want it around me?

People may not agree with how I went about it but you don.t get to choose anymore.

I.m making all the calls around here now.

So…

Yeah, I think this is a cool decision

<< BREAK >>

I.ve been on a small hiatus. I know, lo siento for those who care. I feel like "Welcome to Heartbreak" is somewhat of my current theme song. But then again so is "Half Crazy" and "Little Bit" (Found on playlist). I haven.t been on sharing what MY deal is because I.m not too sure myself. This me time will HOPEFULLY allow me to get back to ME. I.m off balanced and I.m a Libra. (Explain that) I.ll get back to me and my familiar place. A time when I cared. When I loved. When ALL I did was laugh. When I could share my feelings and not try to be a constant hard ass. Yeah, give me some time so that I may get back to me.

(.i miss this.)

Our Future...

Diary (Thanks To Wale)

"See all I wanna do is be relevant,

Just tell me that I ever meant anything more,

That you could ever see me and you in another light,

But its like the dark women indoors in the darkest nights by the wrong man,

See all of them have made you incapable of a first impression,

What it do is I channel my aggression with no cable or antenna,

Just intentions to impress you if capable,

Hoping that the material possesions can materialise to a better you,

Cars, nothing I drive can drive you out of this state of mind,

For such an ugly picture and, Money, nothing I buy can buy more time for your ears to tell your heart to listen to it,

Diamonds, a girls best frienf is what they say but believe me with the right allegience shorty

You gonna shine anyways,

And everyday that goes by is a couple more lines in her diary,

The day before is better than the present,

So anyone presented in her presence is doing these life sentences,

Theres no key for release,

No reason to be around,

Her minds in the clouds,

She writes it all down,

In her diary."

"Diary." Attention Deficit. Wale. 2008

No truer words spoken. My grand epiphany has been sparked. I keep hearing "the past is the past and you can.t change it..." so why am I continuing to dwell on it? It.s BEYOND time to set myself free. Being happy is my number one priority. I.m living for ME. Loving ME. So maybe that I.ve come to this grand epiphany, my days will get MUCH brighter. I hope so. It.s beyond time.

THIS Is Love

If God sees fit that I am to be yours, I promise I will love you.

I will spoil you like no other.

It seems like it.s something new with me which keeps us in the dark.

If I had my way, I.d be yours and you mine.

I think about you in more ways than you can ever imagine.

Your touch

Your smile.

Your love.

The thought of you excites me in more ways than one.

I think of all the good I will be to you.

All the great you will be to me.

Having you by my side, I know I.ll be on top of all I set out to accomplish.

I don.t even know who you are, but I love you already.

I will do all I need to do to make sure you get to me.

If I can.t have you like I dream of, if our blood isn.t the same.

I will still love you as mine.

For blood doesn.t connect a mother to her child.

Love does.

I love you my future.

This is my promise to you.

Dedicated to my future child(ren) who won.t understand their journey to me.

Intellect Runs In This Family

"Education, wheather it be personal growth or book smarts is something nobody can ever take away from you and by you learning now what to do, you.ve made progress even through pain." -Will Rasmussen

Random Quote Moment

No great intellectual thing was ever done by great effort.
~Theodore Roosevelt

Being an intellectual creates a lot of questions and no answers.
~Janis Joplin

Age considers; youth ventures.
~Rabindranath Tagore

I don't feel old. I don't feel anything till noon. That's when it's time for my nap.
~Bob Hope

Muscles come and go; flab lasts.
~Bill Vaughan

Always end the name of your child with a vowel, so that when you yell the name will carry.
~Bill Cosby

Anyone who says he can see through women is missing a lot.
Groucho Marx

It.s Complicated....

For the past 15 months, I.ve been in the MOST complicated relationship I.ve ever been in. It just so happens to be with my own self. For the past few months, I.ve been debating back and forth if I was ready to be in a relationship with another person. Granted, I have MANY relationships. I have my chipmunks, I have my boys, and I have my mom and dad. Then I have my friendships which is scattered and involves many different types of people. After the car ride to nowhere this past weekend, I realized I HAVE several different realtionships that I thoroughly enjoy. When I lay my head down at night, I.m happy with those I have in my life. Sure, somedays, I yern to have someone hold me, someone to talk to about my frustrations, or even someone to smooch. But what is that REALLY?
Professor Tay (this is the ONLY time I.ll ever do this fool...lol) had a great status yesterday and it got me thinking. It stated (summary form):

"So dats gon be my question from now on.. "do u want a relationship? Or do u just want someone to be there!?"

So I began to think, do I SERIOUSLY want a relationship? At first, this answer isn.t that simple for me. I am not where I want to be or SHOULD be in my life as of right now. I feel like, if I was more established as far as school goes I.d be fine. I.m S0 far behind, it blows. Mentally, I.m not where I want to be because I.m still learning and realizing the simple things in life. People use and abuse me on the regular, hence why I.m practicing the art of staying in my own lane. A relationship between me and a man would have to be built from the ground up. I.ve evaluated my past relationships and I have NO intentions on making the same mistakes again. It would also be idiotic of me to do so because that.s not learning and progressing.

I mean, it would be nice to pick up the phone, have a conversation with somebody that I am attracted to and that is attracted to me back. It would be LOVELY to kick it with someone. I.m corny as hell so it would be nice to share a joke or two with somebody. Nights when I don.t want to sleep alone, I.d like to go cuddle. Then I realized, I am able to get these wishes granted so maybe I just want someone to call mine. But I.m smart enough NOW to know that I.m not ready. I.d LIKE to be ready. But I.d also like to be crusing in a Bentley and sippin wine for breakfast, but it.s just not my time. I feel like I.m at a point that relationships aren.t just something to do. I want my next relationship to be meaningful. I.m not trying to walk down the aisle with this person, but who knows where God may lead us. So for the time being, it.s complicated. It.s complicated because some days, I do want to be in a relationship. Then I sit back and look around me and realize...it.s not my time.

When I decide to make the step to get in a committed relationship, I don.t want to look up one day and it be complicated. That.s dumb to me. If you can.t say I.m your girlfriend and I say you.re my boyfriend, that is a problem. (I won.t EVEN get into the sideline thing, that.s another topic for another day) I am taking the time right now to be in a complicated relationship with myself. What the hell I need to be in a complicated relationship with another person for?? HELLO...nothing about me likes to be confused and that is all that is.

Fading Memory....

I remember when I thought I.d missed you.

I thought my life would fall to pieces without you.

The thought of you just pained my soul.

I thought I would never deal with that pain.

Thoughts of me smiling at your name.

Then one day, I stopped thinking.

Nothing about me misses you now.

If our relationship was based on honesty and reality, I wouldn.t have to miss you.

YOU.D STILL BE HERE.

Once I.d stopped thinking, I realized...

nothing in me would ever travel backward.

Not one bone in my body would allow me to do so.

As much as I love you, our "departure" was enough pain to last me 2 lifetimes.

Once I stopped thinking and started seeing, I realized how better off I am.

At this point in life, N O T H I N G about me misses you.

Don.t get me wrong, a part of me would LIKE to miss you.

But due to the lies, I.m not sure if I know who [[Youu]] are anymore.

So I.ll watch you fade into the background....

-shrugs-

Thank YOU

Good Day Good Sir,

I.m writing you today to inform you that I see you. I see that you mean what you say and say what you mean. No bullshit. You care. You love hard and deep. You are passionate about things that matter to you. I admire that. You don.t mind putting in a little extra effort to get the results that you forsee. Up until now, I didn.t know that you exsisted in real life. Yet as i get older and expand my horizons, I see YOU more. I respect you for respecting me. You understand that I am a lot more fragile than I come off to be. I.m writing to say that I appreciate you for who YOU are. It seems like everybody is playing games these days. I see you keeping it simple and original. I.m not sure who told these others that respect for others and respect for self went out of style. I.m glad to see YOU keeping it alive. It feels like you are one in a million. But I.m thankful that I can now see the bright star in the dark night. You are an underrate subject and I want to bring it to people.s attention. So when you think nobody see's you for the true gentlemen that you are, remember this letter. I.m writing this from my heart to show you, I see you. So good sir, keep the gentlemen hope alive. It gives people like me an understanding that all men are not confused. It shows me that respect and love is in fact, possible. I think you good sir, I do.

.Sincerely, Dyferent.

Are You Anything Like Kramer?

I have times where I feel like I am a genius when it comes to music. This is one of those times. There.s an artist lurking around the streets named Wale [pronounced Wa-Le]. He reps the DMV [DC, Maryland, Virginia] area and I feel he is HIGHLY underrated. A few nights ago, I was introduced to a song called “The Kramer” off his mixtape brilliantly entitled “The Mixtape About Nothing”. The first time I heard the song, I was blown away. It left me speechless and got me interested to know more about this artist.




“The Mixtape About Nothing” was released May 30, 208. This was Wale.s 4th mixtape and from the few songs I.ve heard, this “NOTHING” is really something...and beyond. For the past few days, I have been listening to random songs on the mixtape. Impressed. I love that he has a song called “The Roots Song Wale Is On”, I laughed. I was told to listen to “The Meeting” [not sure if it is on the mixtape] and I would thank my friend later. I must say, thank you A. Step! I have officially made it my duty to listen to the entire mixtape and speak on it as a whole.





The song starts out with a clip from when Kramer [Michael Richards] was performing at a nightclub and got upset and called some people attending “niggers”. From here, I.ll speak on my take of the song.

*Song Located On Playlist*

“And P say that I should stop saying nigga, But if I did, what would be the difference?”

We, as young, African Americans, decided to take this derogatory word and make it “positive”. But what really is so positive about it. Wale goes on to say even if we stopped saying “nigga”, we.d still be looked at as such. Unfortunately, our people would still be lazy, blaming others for our own problems, violent, and non-supportive [my opinion, not his.] Ok, so what if we stopped saying nigga. We still put each other down. We as black people have been through so much in our history and it is so sad for me to say that we are not as close as we should be. We.d rather lie, cheat, steal, and kill, JUST to see the next person fall. I don.t believe that anybody has ever stopped to think that we ALL can be successful as the next person. They say that there.s limited room at the top, they lied.

“And bitches say bitch like bitch is not offensive, When niggas say bitch, all of the sudden, they offended.”

When I heard this, I choked because it is true. I can honestly say that when I was younger, I got offended by this because I wasn.t using the word to call somebody out. Now, if a man calls me a bitch, I don.t get upset. “It.s not what they call you. It.s what you answer too.” It rocks my MIND that a female would get upset that a man would call her a bitch when she uses the word like it.s a pronoun. Sad.

“And niggas say nigga to a nigga, A nigga write nigga in a lyric, expect the white boy to omit it, The white boy spit it like he spit it, Recite it to his friends who, by the way, ain't niggas.”

This part I was EXCITED to hear! My homegirl asked on twitter was it ok for a white person to retweet something if it had nigga in it. I told her yes. We can NOT get mad at white people that we are cool with for saying nigga. WE CAN.T! I will NOT allow it! You can.t expect white people to interact with us and NOT say the word, or even think about it. I.ve known a few white people to say nigga. I took no offense. NONE!

“Cuz under every nigga, there's a little bit of Kramer,
Self-hatred...I hate you...and myself...
Niggas...”

Agreed. I agree with taking a negative SITUATION and turning it into a positive, but this doesn.t quite fall under that umbrella. I feel the word does hurt us as a people. I feel that by saying it the way we do, we make it ok for ANYBODY to say it. The language doesn.t have a barrier. It is for all people to use whether it be good, bad or indifferent. So why get mad? We should be mad at ourselves. Our forefather’s wouldn.t be too pleased if they lived to see what has become of their dreams, hopes, and ambitions.

I must admit, I am not playing the innocent card. I say nigga and after hearing this song, thinking on it, and writing this blog...I feel that it is time for a change. It will be quite hard for me. When you are engulfed with it, it is becomes a harder habit to break. But I am willing to. I have a mind of my own and it is up to me, with God.s help, to control it. I can.t be influenced by what is going on around me. I can.t do what everybody else is doing. That is out of my character. I thank Wale for this song. It makes sense. It opens eyes. Nobody is perfect and I don.t expect the world to stop saying nigga but maybe this song will help some understand what saying it really means.


Sincerely, Dyferent

All You Have In This Life Is Your Name

"You can.t be a hoe and be sensitive. I will not allow it." -Dyferent

People NEVER cease to amaze me. I admit, I watch a hell of a lot of tv. These days, all I see is pure madness around me, wheather it.s on tv or in real life. It.s reall sad. I understand having an opinion, even if no one asks you for it. HOWEVER, do not have the balls to get upset when somebody pulls your card. it.s not a smart thing to do. I understand people having their assumptions or even percieving a situation wrong, that.s life. BUT if the shoe fits and you appear to wear it with no shame, getting bent out of shape when someone sees you for what you are is silly...and rude. all metaphor.s aside, don.t get mad if you are acting like a hoe that you get treated as such. It.s very nonsensical and I will laugh at you with NO shame.

There are NOT different levels of hoeing. That.s like saying there.s different levels of your virginity. That.s a rule that some bum made up to justify their ridiculious actions. A chicken can.t be a peacock just because you put feathers on it. I can.t and I won.t allow it. So he sexed 45 people and you only sexed 40. Get married and commit your hoe lives to each other because you ar BOTH guilty. It really chaps my buns [shoutout to HiteKfame for that one] for the hoe to say he is not a hoe because somebody else had sex with more people than him. NEWSFLASH: You both are...DEAL WITH IT!!! Obviously, this is a rant but I feel like somebody is going to understand all or a piece of my words. Just get a clue, or rent one hell!!!

Sincerely, Dyferent

.WeAre DorkLike.

2 Leo.s and an Aquarius . That.s really all I need in my life. weRep DORK with NO remorse. We laugh. We sing. We fight. We cry. And that is just the beginning. We share secrets, give advise, have each other.s back. We LOVE each other like no other and we understand each other. They are MORE than just my girlfriends. When I feel like the world is against me, they get it. When I have a happy moment and want to share, they are happy right along with me. We smile together more than anything. I have more inside jokes with them than I have poems, songs, and random thoughts. [Now those who know me, understand that THAT is a lot] Nikol. Kia. Asia. These girls understand me. When I try to hide what.s really going on with me from the world, my girls won.t allow me to hide from them. Together, we.ve been through a lot of obstacles. I often thank God for putting them in my life because it could have gone a different way if anybody else was dealing with my past situations. They look out for my best interest. I do the same for them. We are HONEST with each other, no matter if it may hurt feelings. This is how we do.

I.m the oldest of the bunch. 21.20.20.18. I love it. I.ll beat the breaks off anybody who tried to touch my girls. I.ve never called them my rounds because rounds will leave you. My bitches because that is disrespectful. They are my Ace of Spades. My Diamonds. My heart and my soul. I.m Alvin and these [we] are the Chipmunks. Simon and Theodore...you gotta love em! Do not try to understand our friendship. You.ll hurt yourself. Do not try to break our bond. WE will hurt you. Do not try to get in on our weirdness. You.ll NEVER succeed...

Sincerely, Dyferent

"Friendship is a pretty full-time occupation if you really are friendly with somebody. You canít have too many friends because then youíre just not really friends."

Just A Bunch Of Question Marks....

Your intellect may be confused, but your emotions will never lie to you.
~ Roger Ebert

Finding this quote means a lot to me. I.m not one that enjoys being confused. In fact, I detest it. I wouldn.t say that I like to know everything but when I know things, I like to funny KNOW. Not wonder or assume. To sit and analyze over the "what if" or the "maybe". Confusion is defined as: to fail to distinguish between; associate by mistake; confound.

Me, I think in black and white. It.s either THIS or it.s THAT. There is really no in between. No mix ups. No gray area. So having more people in my life who see in gray is a complete positive. Yet and still I.m always confused. Its not that nothing make sense to me, I just don.t understand things. But I.m learning that I am not supposed to understand EVERYTHING. I.m not supposed to get how people.s minds work. I.m not supposed to get why people do the things they do. Or why things happen the way they do. Or how people can make the choices they make. I.m not supposed to understand. So I.ll just remain confused.

Sincerely, Dyferent

Fear? Possibly...Maybe. Hell If I Know.

It.s 2010 and thus far, I.ve had a lot of time to sit and think to myself. Think about what needed to happen in my life. One of the conclusions I came up with was I, Dyferent, am afraid of love. *crowd gasps in astonishment* I know, me admitting this to myself is a huge deal...HUGE.
The question I am stuck on is why?
3 years ago, I was on my way to fall. Fall madly in love with the gy that made everything make sense for me. Thank God I was fearful back then because that whole situation was false {or so I think}. Don.t get it confused, I.m not fearful of being happy. Love isn.t all about flowers and pink, fluffy bunnies. I.m happy as we speak so I don.t feel like love will bring me instant joy. Like anthing I do in life, it takes time and dedication and as of right now, I am not ready to go down that road. Dating thus far had done nothing but get on my nerves and given me more ammo for the book I never plan on writting but everyone continues to encourage me to do so (go figure).
So forgive me if I laugh at you all for wanting to "be my friend". I.m trying to get rid of some of the friends I have now and really enjoy my me time. Time that involves getting to know me. Learn as much as I can while I have no distractions.
So maybe I don.t fear love. Maybe I know I.m not ready for it at this time. Yeah, let.s go with that for a while.

It.s 2010 and I feel the need to start being honest with myself. I have NO problem telling others the truth, but for some reason, I couldn.t tell me the truth if my LIFE depended on it. Two years ago, I was on my way of falling in love. It scared the HELL out of me so I switched my game up. Sad, I know, but at the time, it just seemed like the logical thing to do. -shrugs-

Two years later, I am "proud" to say, I fear love. Please don.t get it twisted, I don.t fear being happy. I.m happy as we speak. But I feel love is on a different playing field than I.m use to. I know the basics of a relationship (or so I THINK I know) and I understand that it is a lot of time, work, and dedication. All of that, I can handle. But when you throw love in the mix, I gotta bail out. That.s more trust, understanding, compromising, and teamwork that I am use to. I feel like it.s harder to love now because most people are on this whole "all about me" high. I.ve seen people do some shady things and I.ve always said that if somebody hurt me like some of my friends have been hurt, I don.t think I.d really be able to recover from that.

My father cheated on my mother and by the grace of God she was able to move on. It took her forever and a day but she did it. I.m a little more fragile. I just don.t see it happeneing. So until somebody understands this FEAR...I.ll remain single.