It.s Complicated....

For the past 15 months, I.ve been in the MOST complicated relationship I.ve ever been in. It just so happens to be with my own self. For the past few months, I.ve been debating back and forth if I was ready to be in a relationship with another person. Granted, I have MANY relationships. I have my chipmunks, I have my boys, and I have my mom and dad. Then I have my friendships which is scattered and involves many different types of people. After the car ride to nowhere this past weekend, I realized I HAVE several different realtionships that I thoroughly enjoy. When I lay my head down at night, I.m happy with those I have in my life. Sure, somedays, I yern to have someone hold me, someone to talk to about my frustrations, or even someone to smooch. But what is that REALLY?
Professor Tay (this is the ONLY time I.ll ever do this fool...lol) had a great status yesterday and it got me thinking. It stated (summary form):

"So dats gon be my question from now on.. "do u want a relationship? Or do u just want someone to be there!?"

So I began to think, do I SERIOUSLY want a relationship? At first, this answer isn.t that simple for me. I am not where I want to be or SHOULD be in my life as of right now. I feel like, if I was more established as far as school goes I.d be fine. I.m S0 far behind, it blows. Mentally, I.m not where I want to be because I.m still learning and realizing the simple things in life. People use and abuse me on the regular, hence why I.m practicing the art of staying in my own lane. A relationship between me and a man would have to be built from the ground up. I.ve evaluated my past relationships and I have NO intentions on making the same mistakes again. It would also be idiotic of me to do so because that.s not learning and progressing.

I mean, it would be nice to pick up the phone, have a conversation with somebody that I am attracted to and that is attracted to me back. It would be LOVELY to kick it with someone. I.m corny as hell so it would be nice to share a joke or two with somebody. Nights when I don.t want to sleep alone, I.d like to go cuddle. Then I realized, I am able to get these wishes granted so maybe I just want someone to call mine. But I.m smart enough NOW to know that I.m not ready. I.d LIKE to be ready. But I.d also like to be crusing in a Bentley and sippin wine for breakfast, but it.s just not my time. I feel like I.m at a point that relationships aren.t just something to do. I want my next relationship to be meaningful. I.m not trying to walk down the aisle with this person, but who knows where God may lead us. So for the time being, it.s complicated. It.s complicated because some days, I do want to be in a relationship. Then I sit back and look around me and realize...it.s not my time.

When I decide to make the step to get in a committed relationship, I don.t want to look up one day and it be complicated. That.s dumb to me. If you can.t say I.m your girlfriend and I say you.re my boyfriend, that is a problem. (I won.t EVEN get into the sideline thing, that.s another topic for another day) I am taking the time right now to be in a complicated relationship with myself. What the hell I need to be in a complicated relationship with another person for?? HELLO...nothing about me likes to be confused and that is all that is.